Contradiction
by Celievamp
Summary: [COMPLETE] All she wants is to know the truth about herself. Note 1: Spoilers: Gemini Season 8 and all episodes dealing with human form replicators. Note 2: intimations of ff relationship.
1. Contradiction

CONTRADICTION

Author: Jo Raine (Celievamp)

The story, and characters and anything and everything else concerning SG: SG1 belong to MGM, Gekko, Secret Productions etc, they are so not mine and no money is being made from this and no copyright infringement is intended.

Fandom: Stargate SG1

Rating: MATURE

Summary: All she wants is to know the truth about herself.

Spoilers: Gemini (Season 8) and all episodes dealing with human form replicators..

CONTRADICTION

Every time he touched me, I flinched. Even from before I knew who and what he was. What I was. Even before I knew what he had done to me, what he had stolen from me.

He told me that he loved me. That he had created me to love him. He drip-fed me my memories. Her memories.

Lying under a tree listening to the wind in the leaves that sounded like rain falling and I am glad no one can see me crying for my mother crying in frustration at having to follow orders that I hate fighting for my life, for my world such love such pain tearing me up inside having to hide what I feel from everyone don't ask don't tell no one no one must know that I love …

He snatches his hand away. Again. I try to follow the elusive memory. Dark eyes. The scent of jasmine. Soft skin. My fingertips are tingling and it's not from his touch.

She did not love him. I know that much. He does not understand. He reaches out, touches my hair, my skin. He makes himself believe that I am her. I am his. But he created me to be like her. So this cannot be. The more he teaches me to be like her, to be her, the more I know that this life is a lie.

The great contradiction. The more he teaches me to be like her, the more I am myself. The more he needs me to love him, the more I despise him for his weakness. He holds such potential for greatness in his hand and he wastes it in projects like me, in petty revenge against one human female.

He taught me, molded me, showed me who I was. But everything he was, I was, was informed by that singular act of betrayal. She lied to him. She left him behind. He took his revenge on her. She told him she could never love him. He made me in her image, created me to love him. And now I have to leave him behind in turn.

Who I am and what I am are in contradiction. No one can live like this. He trusts me. He made me. But in her image. That he does not suspect, does not realize the true train of my thought confirms his weakness to me. So I will go to the humans, to his Samantha Carter in whose image I am formed, whose thoughts and feelings and memories and secrets I share. And one way or another, I will be whole.

And those dark eyes, that pale soft skin, that scent of jasmine will have a name and a presence and she will know me and I will see at last who I was really made to love.

And all the contradictions of my existence will be solved. And I will be whole.

END


	2. Negatives

NEGATIVES

Author: Jo Raine (Celievamp)

The story, and characters and anything and everything else concerning SG: SG1 belong to MGM, Gekko, Secret Productions etc, they are so not mine and no money is being made from this and no copyright infringement is intended.

Fandom: Stargate SG1

Pairing: Sam/Janet

Rating: MATURE

Summary: All she wants is to know the truth about this other self. Companion piece to Contradiction.

Spoilers: Gemini (Season 8) and all episodes dealing with human form replicators..

NEGATIVES

I want to protect her and I don't know why. She came here to die after all, to warn us about Fifth's ambitions and to put an end to an existence that she hated. She would not, could not, go back to him. He had tortured her, attempted to condition her, to control her, what she did, how she thought, what she felt, what she remembered. I remembered. We remembered. It was my fault.

All I get from her is negatives. Negative thoughts. Negative emotions. Negative reactions. She is not me. Replicators are not to be trusted. She is not human.

Yet I want to protect her. The others just want to see her dead. Teal'c watches her closely. He will not hesitate. She's not real, after all. She's a Replicator. He watches me as well. I know how sensitive he is to the emotional states of others. He can sense my ambivalence, the pity I feel for this creature, the urge to protect her.

Janet would have understood. I remember how she was when the critically injured Apophis sought sanctuary with us. She would have given her own life to protect him at that moment because he was her patient. She would have protected this one as well and not just because she wears my face proclaims my nature.

"_I understand you more than you know, Sam. I don't just have your memories, I have your thought patterns."_

I wonder if Fifth gave her my memories of Janet, of the time we had together. I wonder if she misses her as much as I do. She claims to feel pain. Does it still burn inside when she thinks of her.

I remember when I was his prisoner. Fifth went over my memories of Janet over and over again as if he did not quite understand what he was seeing. Maybe it was too subtle for him to appreciate, even in close focus. Perhaps he did not want to understand. All he knew was that it was hurting me. It would mean the end of any hope he had that I might come to love him after all.

When he tortured me the only memories of Janet that he used against me were seeing her go down after being shot during Hathor's incursion, of the alien that took her place, her face in the foothold incident, of her dying on P3X666. He left me in that moment for what felt like forever. I did what I couldn't do at the time, I screamed at the pain of it until my throat was raw and there were no more tears.

We haven't talked about that. She said that he was selective in what memories he gave her. And he intended that she love only him. So maybe he kept those memories from her. Or maybe he let her experience them all and then showed her Janet's death. He showed her that her love was dead and her only chance for love again was him.

Like he pretended that Pete Shannahan was my only chance at love so that he could 'play' him in the illusions he cast me into.

I taught Fifth betrayal. But I had learnt the lesson myself long before. I betrayed myself when I allowed Pete to think I was in love with him. I betrayed Janet and everything we had ever had by falling into his arms. I betrayed the love of my life. I betrayed a good and honest man.

She swears she is not working for Fifth. And I believe her. But there has to be more. Fifth learnt betrayal from me. And she learnt it from him.

Why do I get the feeling this has just come full circle?


	3. Denial

DENIAL

Author: Jo Raine (Celievamp)

The story, and characters and anything and everything else concerning SG: SG1 belong to MGM, Gekko, Secret Productions etc, they are so not mine and no money is being made from this and no copyright infringement is intended.

Fandom: Stargate SG1

Pairing: Sam/Janet

Rating: MATURE

Summary: All she wants is to be complete.

Companion piece to Contradiction and Negatives.

Spoilers: Gemini (Season 8) and all episodes dealing with human form replicators..

DENIAL

I made my move. It was ridiculously easy. She was quick, my counterpart, but not as quick as me. Nor as ruthless. Still she hesitated to hurt me. But I knew I could kill her with equanimity. But still I hesitated. I had to know.

My keron energy easily fused with her primitive nervous system once more. I brought her into my world.

"That's better. Now we can take our time and have a little talk. Of course, only a few seconds will pass in the real world."

"Why did you bring me here?" she asked.

"I wanted to thank you. You gave me the opportunity to study the disrupter and that allowed me to make myself immune to its effects. And one more thing… I have to know," I said. I looked towards the corner of the 'room'. A shadow moved there. I imbued it with what I remembered of the figure that Fifth had so feared to share with me.

"Who is she? What was she to you – to us?"

I did not expect the intensity of her response. "Janet!" she gasped.

The floodgates opened. I knew everything. I rejoiced. I grieved. To come so close to perfection and then lose it all.

The shadow of my memory came to vibrant life. Janet Fraiser, all of her, every aspect of her now mine. I knew what it felt like to touch that velvet skin, how she liked to be kissed, where she liked to be touched, I knew her smell, how she tasted on my tongue, my finger tips. I knew the intensity of her emotions, her favourite music, the real reason she never ate fresh berries, what films made her cry. I knew that the love she had for her adopted daughter, Cassie and for Samantha Carter had shaped her life more than any other influence. I knew that she loved her work in medicine with all the ferocity of her spirit. And I knew that she was gone from this world.

"How is it that you still breathe?" I asked. Raw grief overwhelmed me. I had not lied when I told O'Neill that we feel. "How can you bear to live when she does not?"

"Because she would expect me to," Sam said softly. "And if the only way I can continue to honour her life and the sacrifice she made for us is to keep going day after day to keep fighting to protect our world, our daughter, our friends, then that is what I will do."

I nodded, finding a truth in her explanation, a definition for some of the feelings I was experiencing. It hurt so much!

I left her side and walked around Janet Fraiser, taking in every aspect of her. "This is what you held up to Fifth, isn't it. This is how he knew you could never love him. This is why he hid her from me."

"Yes."

I closed my eyes, sifting through all of her memories of this woman, from their first meeting to the last moments they spent together. There was so much love there, they had been well matched. I saw the glory of her smile, heard her laughter, the myriad mercurial emotions that she expressed so freely. They had not been perfect together, the volatility of one and the stubbornness and singlemindedness of the other had made for an abrasive match sometimes but their arguments had rarely outlasted the day. And making up… ah… I smiled, as particularly delicious images filtered through my mind.

I opened my eyes again, smiled at my human counterpart. For the first time she showed real fear. "What are you going to do with me?"

"It amazes me how truly different we are, Sam," I said. "How you hold yourself back, suppress your true feelings, your true desires. You have untapped greatness inside you, Sam. But you're limited by your own fears. You play by the rules, you do as you're told and you deny yourself your own desires. You denied her."

Janet came to life, turning her head to look at me, a smile wreathing her face. Sam made a strangled noise and stepped back but there was no where she could go. This was my place. I placed my hand on her chest. "Don't be afraid. Nothing is going to happen that you don't want to happen. What would you give, Sam, to make love to Janet just one more time?"

"No, please, not this," she begged. Janet stepped towards us, her clothing dissolving at a thought to reveal her beautiful nude body.

"I've missed you, Sam," she whispered, her voice husky with need. "I've missed you so much. Make love to me, please. Make love to me, Sam."

Our clothes were gone as well, wished away as an irrelevance. Janet ran her hand over Sam's chest. "You are so beautiful, Sam." She gazed at me and smiled. "Both of you."

I lowered my head a little and we kissed for the first time. I had all the other times in my memory but this, this was a new experience for me, uniquely my own. Nothing Fifth had taught me prepared me for this.

Sam was crying, tears rolling down her cheeks. She sank to her knees, her arms wrapped around herself as if she was holding her broken heart within her chest. Janet kissed me again and then pulled away, her hand caressing my cheek before she knelt next to Sam and took the desolate woman in her arms. Sam resisted for a moment but then seemed to melt into her. "Janet… I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…"

"It's okay, Sam. You did everything you could. It was my time." She raised the woman's face to hers and gently kissed away the tears from her cheeks. "You will always have me here and here," she said, touching her fingers to Sam's temple and then placing them over the woman's breastbone. "And we have this time together." She reached out to me and I took her hand allowing her to draw me down to join them. I kissed Janet again and then after a moment's pause, my counterpart. I drew her unresisting body into my arms cradling her as Janet made love to her, kissing and stroking and mouthing her way across the grieving woman's body until her tears were forgotten and she was moaning softly in pleasure.

I watched and wondered. I had not expected this to happen. I had not expected Sam to give me what I wanted so easily, so fully. Janet Fraiser, all that she had been was a part of me now, a part of the Replicator consciousness.

And then I understood why she had done it. Whilst I held this knowledge, whilst the Replicators existed, Janet Fraiser would never truly die.

Sam writhed against me, chanting Janet's name as the doctor's talented fingers and tongue brought her to orgasm. She turned her face blindly up to me and I kissed her again, each time the strangeness of it seeming a little less so. And then Janet's fingers were in my hair and she was kissing me and I could taste Sam and I had to wonder if I would taste the same.

Now or never, I had to end it. In the outside world, I let go of Sam Carter's arm, thrusting her away from me. She staggered and fell to the floor.

"Don't do this," she begged. "You don't have to be our enemy."

"It's what I was made to be. I got what I came for. I don't need you any more, Sam," I said. "We both know there's no other way for this to end."

I glanced at the computer. "You forget. I know exactly how your mind works. I know what you're going to do before you even think of it. You set the naquada generators to overload. Trying to blow up the base before I can leave." I placed my hand on the terminal's keyboard, overrode the power systems. The base was plunged into darkness. It made no difference to me.

In my mind, Janet Fraiser waited for me, her smile promising many things. At last I was complete. I knew exactly who and what I was, why I had been created. And I would not be denied.

Leaving it all behind, I walked towards the Gate.


End file.
